❤just some self thoughts....
sometimes i just feel so tired of going to church and just want to backslide..everyone's asking me to leave CHC...actually i'm confuse..its not them its me.. that spark in my heart is beginning to die down..i feel like i have other things to do than sit my ass there..ppl in church say " what ever is precious to you is precious to God..if you love God than leave your baobei friends.." its like how can?? i know that it wrong to 'neglect' God but at the same time, i do love my friends..they have always been there for me..i have neglected them for 2 yrs..issint it enough..i'm tired to to church too..i want to spend time with the ppl who loved me and brought me up..i dont want to leave them..but if they ask me to choose..i'd rather not choose any..i want it to be fair..they thought me, show me so many things that maybe even now i might not know...for the good times and for the happy times..they are like the air i breath..they are like the blood that flow through my veins..i want to be there for them at times..like they ALWAYS have been..they too, are not perfect..but in my eyes they are precious to me..i can never bring myself to leave them..i share my whole heart with them and GOD..im not being selfish but they too do deserve some credit..

there's so many things happening in my family and in my life..i just want a break from the world..but now nothing can change the situations..i just want everyone to stop telling how to live my life..i can never be really happy..only with my outside world..my true friends, there i find "happiness" i find joy..in the Lord too.. but its so different..physically and emotionally i can say im better off with them..i love my life it used to be 2 yrs ago..and i would like to turn back my life now and be part of where i left off..i dont care what others will think of me..but im much happier with them..

i have a feeling i'll soon leave CHC..im tired of forcing myself to be there..i'd rather not go than force myself..i'll just slowly wait till im really tired..soon the time will come..for the good times and the bad times..CHC has made me realize everything i need to know and i know its not the solution to leaving church..

i dont care who are you..you can leave a comment bout this post saying shit..i dont really care!! i'm old enough to make my decisions..i choose to be my old self..i can choose to live in a total chaos for myself and freedom..or to be with God..but everything i choose has an consequence..
and death is the consequence of being alive..and i'm sick of living with such pain i go through everyday..all the heartaches, scares and damage in my life..i wish i can just stop feeling and it will all go away..

i want back myself being...i've lost my self being..my emotions..turning to be someone i dont know..i'd rather die than to live in misery..regrets..pains..scars and damage !!

just let me be me!!