❤

You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

im crumbling inside! and i cant explain what i feel..

❤crying again..
okay er its suppose to be 30th dec but oh wells..

TODAY???
dad got admitted to CGH..im fucking hating life and i just want to kill myself..
alright it all started the day WHERE I WOKE UP LATE..DID NOT GO TA CHURCH..
than it went off like a piece of melody..dang..was in botanic garden than for thanksgiving for E361..
than ZZ was sing a piece of meant to be a rock kinda song but acuostic song
- Perfect by Simple Plan.. oh wells..it really touched my heart la..as the dang melody continues..
after that got some stuff like we gotta appreciate our members la..halfway through it..
i got an msg saying my dad was admitted to CGH..
I FUCKING SWEAR I WAS SO TERRIFIED.. for that moment i thought i was going to loose dad..
i felt like dying..maid told me dad had an heart attack..i so sudden just wanted mum to be with me..
to see dad..i really did not know what to do..

right now i feel like shit..everything changes..and it just dont feel the same anymore..
i'd rather not live than to be without my parents..GOD WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME??!!

I'm not perfect already..i've wasted my time of being an gangster bitch..wasted my life away..
i want a good change..must all the bad things come to change me?? is this suppose to be like that?!?!
im physically. emotional tired of life..i really cant hold on..im exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant hold on any longer and nothing its going to change it..if life is so meaningless.. why should i
fucking carry on??! i never saw this coming..i never want this to happen..i dont even want this too!
IS THIS ALL PART GOD'S PLAN???[[ im not questioning God..]] but is it like suppose to be like this??
is this suppose to happen this way?!?! am i suppose to be like that??!! cry myself to sleep??
how long am i suppose to be like this??

❤broken family!! I HATE LIFE WITHOUT MUM!!!!
its been 5 days since that really big bad thing happened at home..it also been 5 days since
mummy left home..mummy went to get the protection thing through the lawyers..getting the
divorce..and i feel really down..

just now after meeting esther than i go chiong settle problem..halfway, i went home..i just
cant run away from what i'm going through..gavin was talking to me..now i feel like
I HATE LIFE WITHOUT MUM!!! all this just feel so wrong..and i dont like it, i dont!!!!
everyone says its going to be okay..PLEASE!!! its not going to be OKAY at all !!
i dont know what crazy stuff im going to do again..and this time im not LISTENING!!!
i'd rather just end my havoc life..i hate who i've become..i hate what im going through..
i hate everything in life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE I LOVE!!!
and all this comes down to a sorry..i know im going to let alot of BFF(s) down, alot of buddies
down..alot of close friend down..but it all comes down to a sorry..i cant hold on neither can i breath..
i cant stand up anymore..im falling deeper and deeper..





'liLsaint

❤Maybe I Do, Maybe I Don't ?
im unsure of weather i should be there for him again? cause i know minus him im better off..
but it hurts to see the person you like suffer in silence.. or worst see him harm himself..but in
return he hurt you so much..letting a person go aint as easy as saying..maybe this love love thing
is just part and parcel of this teenage life..and i know its time for me to grow up la..and start thinking of my future and play anymore..but i think its just hard to let someone go..not as easy as
anyine think..especially when that special someone made an impact in your life..and i really hate
this feeling of being used by HIM.. but maybe i just want to be beside him..to be in his darkest
hours, be because thats the only time where i own him for myself..and to let him know, his not
going through it alone..

is this the height of bravery to love someone?
and is its what i desereve?? some shit gratitude?
because it really sucks la..i hate everything i am for him..

Gavin and Alex dedicated this song for me
and i think i should just wake up from my dream..

❤concentrate on my Majors...
well.. last night i talked to joyce.. she told me that i should be majoring on my future..
well..i cant let go of that person..than again i hate that i love him..it really sucks..
oh well..i dont care..i just want to move on into aussie so that i may the world's

♥ RENOWNED HAIRSTYLIST ♥

lols..i know its a dream i want so bad..i dont want to fall in love again..because its always failing
and im still young..when it will come it will come..i will just wait on God..wait for Him to give me
the right one..im not going to deny i have someone i love already but i know he's for someone else not me..oh wells..shan yan told me..why cling on to someone who doesnt love you?? why put
yourself in such misery??why dont let him go..if he's a heart breaker, forget it..

i dont want to carry on this misery of one sided love..

i want to clear things up as well.. doesnt mean i get something for a guy friend means im in love with him,
if not i like that LOVE ALL THE GUYS ISSIT??please la..God's sake stop your stupid thinkings la..i also get for my GALFIREDS TOO
well if you think i was going to buy you something means im in love with you.. well you thought wrong..
please know me better be for you judge me..i dont want any miunderstandings okay??
it really irritates me..and i got no hesitation to tell you in the face..

❤this pain crushed my world !!
mum n dad quarrel again!! what the fuck la..i cant do much..they are so selfish!!! have they like ever spare a thought for me n sarah?? how will she feel when she grows up?? the pain i feel now will the the pain she feels twice!! why do the both have to blame each other?? isnt it enough?? how long more do they one to carry this?? isnt kenny's death show that life is too short?? until one family member dies i hope you'll be happy..i cant take this stress..im holding on too long..im tired i had enough..really..this life is beginning to make me hate it once more..im just too tired..

and for darren's thing i dont want to bother anymore..maybe i should just let him go..and really go on vow..i dont want to feel the pain..i wished i never met him, talk to him, cared for him, whatever you name it..i just wish i could forget the past..EVERY SINGLE ONE PERSON!! i wish i could just bang my head i forget every thing..somethings i should not have bothered..things i shouldn't medal with i hurt it, my heart.. just wish i could rip it out..stab it..throw it away and never love again..maybe its all meant to be..

Damian, i know you catch up with my blog and stuff..i want to say is ever since you left, my life turned upside down..you are the only big bro i ever go to for help..now i just want to get away from the world like you..you in canada.. i just want to carry on my dreams and not let it get crushed yet again..

sometimes beginnings aren't so simple..
sometimes solutions aren't that simple..
sometimes goodbyes are the only way...

now i realized love issn't for me now..just forget the world..carry on with my dreams..
7 mnths since i love him and hurt myself for him..i realized what you been through..the pain just hurts so much..


to darren..


dearest love,
I hope this message finds you well
as these endless thoughts drip from my soul
every single word secretly paints a fairytale
of when we will melt into one...

eyes forfeit sight to the pain
cold scalpel's steel whispers tear at my very core
as I cling to memories of you

were the last words that I wrote for you enough to tell you
that in my death the light that shone through my painful darkness
was a blinding vision of your eternal smile?

it's me again,
is it me or am I wrong to be concerned?
will the beauty of your pen ever cross my eyes again?
was this all a lie? why?

were the last words that I wrote for you enough to tell you
that in my death the light that shone through my painful darkness
was a blinding vision of your eternal smile?

make it stop, make this pounding in my head stop
fill my lungs with air, give me one more day to make his dreams come true
he understands right? that I'm not coming back...
he understands right? that I'm not coming back...
make it stop, make the pounding stop
I'm not coming back, I'm not coming back, I'm not coming back...
I don't know what happened...who would have thought my life would end up like this?
I didn't mean to hurt him, not hurt him like this...I can't feel my legs
I can't feel my legs and I can't even cry...how could somebody die like this?

if my words ever reach you I'll assume you don't care
never knew that silence could cut so deep or that you could twist the blade
now I curse all of your beautiful lies..
I love you and goodbye...

were the last words that I wrote for you enough to tell you
that in my death the light that shone through my painful darkness
was a blinding vision of your eternal smile?

cold scalpel's steel whispers tear at my very core
as I cling to my memories of you...



this is what i feel after all this for you..
i may look strong on the outside..im actually bleeding alot in the inside..
being emotional is one thing..but being an Emo is another..
dont judge me anymore..


Congratulatoions, i hate you
'liLsaint